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| 12/01/02
- Going to the ranch was arduous and painful. It never dawned on
me that the small vibrations in the car for a long drive would cause me
pain. I almost turned around half way there but I couldn't face being
home alone and feeling that deep loneliness. It was good to be back
in the redwoods again and to have time with my aunt and uncle and my cousin,
Bea. There were just too many people staying over after Thanksgiving
so it wasn't as quiet as I'd hoped it would be. I ate and slept well
- that is a good thing. After the initial how are you's and giving
them a brief rundown, I felt pretty much invisible. Maybe that's
just in my mind but it hurt. I really felt the need to talk to my
family, but the opportunity wasn't presented. Interestingly, most,
except for my uncle, knew very little about bc...most of them are female.
I think I was a bit shocked they had so little knowledge. But then,
I know far too much about it so perhaps my perception is skewed.
I couldn't wait to get home today. I was in pain, mostly under my
arm and I was exhausted. I also missed being able to check the boards.
I seem to have this insatiable need to read every single post and to learn
about other's experiences. At the same time, some of those posts
are scary and depressing. I know in my heart that some of the women
I've grown fond of aren't going to make it, long term. That's
depressing and, worse, I could be one who doesn't make it long term.
It's times like this I so wish I had a love in my life. Some nice
guy to be by my side and to share with -- not just the bc, but everything.
If I dwell on that, I'll just start crying again and I'm so sick of crying.
12/02/02 - I called and cancelled the surgery. I'm not ready and I need a lot more information before I let them scoop out my nodes. I think the surgeon was a teensy bit puzzled by my attitude (he actually believes this procedure and the long term ramifications are no big deal), but he gave me a referral to an outside oncologist. I won't be seeing the treating oncologist until January 13th. My appointment is set for December 23rd for the second opinion consult. I feel like a huge weight has just lifted from my body - I almost feel giddy. I'm smiling and all of a sudden I am starving. I couldn't wait to get home and eat my way through the kitchen. Now I can slow down around the office and not be so frantic to get everyone set up with what they'll need when I do have the surgery...IF I have the surgery. The rest of this week was spent being productive and more positive. I feel like I've regained some of my power and that feels so terrific. I called George this evening and told him of my decision about the surgery. As always, he was a good son and was completely supportive. Within 5 minutes he had me laughing hysterically. I can't wait until he arrives on the 10th. I had to admit to myself that I just don't feel in the "spirit" of the season. I would rather just skip the whole thing and I would if my kids weren't going to be all together and if it weren't for my precious "Sunshine", Kevin. I think my little grandson will get a huge kick out of this Christmas and I can't wait to see his face when he opens presents.
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