11/25/02 - Slept really well, but woke up crying...I've been doing too much of that.  After my shower, I remove the steri-strips from my breast -- they were making me nuts.  Looking at this mangled breast makes me nauseated.  Back to work...I don't want to go.  Hope I make it through the day.  First thing, I'm putting in a call to Beth -- I want those results, now!!!

Everyone was glad to see me; I got gentle hugs all around.  It was very busy, but I DID IT!  Even the boss gave me congrats for making it the full day.  No return call from Beth.  I'm so outraged, I can hardly stand it.

6:30 PM - Beth called; she couldn't believe I hadn't gotten my results.  She's not supposed to tell me, the doc is, but I could tell she was pissed.  Good news:  Clean Margins/Bad news: Sentinel Node showed micro-mets with extracapsular spread.  Tumor was Grade 1.  I'm back to being numb again.

11/26/02 - I had to take 5mg Valium last night and only got about 4 hours sleep but I made it through the day.  I went to see Kevin and Christine but only stayed a short while.  He was so sweet.  I guess Christine told him I had a boo-boo on my chest, so after he hugged me, he kissed my breast.  I really had to choke back the tears...didn't want him to see me cry and be scared.

11/27/02 - Left work early for follow-up with the surgeon.   He didn't know I already knew the path results.  He hands me a copy and goes through it in an off-hand way.  He states the 'standard' is to do the axillary node dissection, followed by chemo, then on to rads, blah blah.  We set 12/5 for the surgery.  He examines the incisions and says all looks well.  I'm having burning around the nipple.  He says it's the nerves coming back and it will get better.  Yep, that's what they all say...it will get better, it will be over before you know it.  I don't see spending a year of my life in treatment being over before I know it.  And what will all that poison do to my body long term?  I'm HEALTHY and I feel healthy.  From everything I've read, I'm not going to feel so healthy for the next year plus...or maybe never completely healthy again?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving...2 days off...yes!!  Even though I have an invite to Christine's in-laws, I know I couldn't  possibly handle being around that many people and just sitting all day with nothing to keep me occupied, so I'm staying home.  I'll rent a couple movies, play a computer game, watch the boards -- cling to the boards, actually.

11/28/02 - I am thankful for my family, my friends and that I still have most of my breast.  I just hope it hasn't spread even further.   I'm heading up to the ranch tomrrow and hopefully there won't be too many cousins there.

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